Let me begin by saying I Googled the proper way to spell Corn Nuts and it is confirmed Corn Nuts is (are?) two words even if we pronounce it as ‘Cornuts’ one word.

So, what had happened was, Joe and I have been binge watching Sons Of Anarchy. There are seven seasons of this show and this is considered our evening snack time. We are the masters of Empty Nest Dinners (END). Forget girl dinner, you haven’t snacked until the table between your matching easy chairs are covered in a charcuterie of garbage food. Some of our favorite END foods include popcorn dipped in warmed up, canned nacho cheese, a loaf of warm sourdough dough bread with butter, salt and pepper, or classic Lays chips dipped in large-curd cottage cheese sprinkled with Johnny’s Season Salt. Small-curd cottage cheese is for wimps.

This week, Joe came home with Jalapeno Cheddar Corn Nuts or as I like to call them ‘Gelapano Cheese Cornuts’.  We were finally at the end of our day, cozy in our PJs and Crocs, and it’s time for our nightly dose of the Men of Mayhem. Joe brings us over a glass of wine and a bowl of Cornuts announcing ‘Dinner is served’. When I tell you I married far beyond my station, this is why. He even used the fancy Pottery Barn bowl. We fancy as fuck ya’ll.

We didn’t even get to the first murder of the episode before the crack happened. Tooth not drugs, I feel this is an important clarification given that we are talking SOA. I felt it immediately, but wasn’t sure if it was tooth or nut. I stuck my finger in my mouth and sure as shit, there was a razor sharp edge to my #14 upper molar. I didn’t know what number it was at the time, but after this week, number 14 is my most expensive tooth in my mouth.

I immediately knew I have to go to the dentist first thing in the morning. I start to panic. I’m not proud of this, but I haven’t been to the dentist in 5 years. I am a psycho brusher and flosser just so I don’t have to go to the dentist. I take care of my teeth because I have an insane, irrational fear of the dentist. There hasn’t been any trauma, no drilling without numbing…nothing to cause this fear, it just exists in my brain. (I fully expect to be judged harshly for this)

This is me terrified!

I call and they are able to get me right in. I’m sitting in the waiting room, having just taken a Xanax and they take me back for X-rays. This woman is in the wrong line of work, she had me laughing so hard I could barely keep the bite thing in. She then takes me to the chair and the dentist walks in. I explain to her my irrational fear and how terrified I am and she nods. She said it’s about control. "You have no control in the chair and you have things and people in your mouth that you either didn’t put in or invite in."  I lost it! That was hilarious! We look at the X-rays and she explains I am going to need a root canal and a crown. I ask if it is going to hurt and she said pointing at her coat “It says D.D.S. not G.O.D., it will be uncomfortable, but you shouldn’t feel pain until after.”

“Awesome.” I say flatly. The dental office manager came in and gave me the piece of paper that listed all the prices showing what my insurance will cover and that my out of pocket will be $1701.20. My two options are either pay the tooth fairy to rebuild my tooth or pull it, and put it under my pillow and hope for a dollar. I mean…I didn’t give up cocaine in the 90’s just to lose a tooth now. She asked if I wanted Nitrous Gas and I’m like, ‘Of course!’ That was another $125.00.

“Put it on my tab” was all I could reply.

I will say the procedure wasn’t too bad. It was a long time however, to have an unwanted person in my mouth. The worst part was feeling like I was drowning on my own saliva because I couldn’t figure out how to swallow with the dental dam in place.  The crazy part is that tooth has FIVE roots instead of three. Doc said that is really rare.

Long story short, I’m sitting here writing to you the next morning and it feels like I have been punched in the jaw. Ibuprofen is working and I am just waiting for the soreness to subside. On the plus side, I don’t have any other cavities.  Joe has been calling me the Corn Nut Queen because of my fancy, new and expensive crown. He is a very funny man.

The moral of the story for Joe, is to keep his damn Corn Nuts out his wife’s mouth!

Stay Malicious, 

Lacie

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