Welp, it has officially happened. I am on the cusp of perimenopause and full beard growing Menopause. I’ve been dealing with hot flashes and increased facial hair for about two years now, but for the most part it has been handled with supplements. I had a hysterectomy when I was 28 so I haven’t had a cycle that could give me clues on where I was officially at.

Recently the hot flashes have become so severe that I have taken to sleeping with the air conditioner on full blast and my poor husband sleeping with two blankets. It was back and forth for me. Blanket. No Blanket. All. Night. Long!

I looked into medical intervention about two months ago and discovered something called HRT Pellets. If you don’t know what these are, they are hormone pellets that are inserted with a giant needle into your ass fat.  I thought this is the perfect solution for someone with ADHD as I never can remember to take my meds. Side Note: What cruel joke is it that someone with ADHD is responsible for their own medication?

Note: Stock Google Image - This is not a picture of my ass.

I met with a naturopath doctor, got blood work and was told I was the perfect candidate. Turns out…I am not the perfect candidate for non regulated, non FDA approved hormone cannons shot directly in my body. First, after the DR cut open my butt cheek I couldn’t sit for 9 days. It hurt really, REALLY bad. If that was the worst of it, I would have been fine…but right about the time the giant lump formed the hormones started releasing. I warned my husband I may be a little emotional until my body adjusted to the Testosterone that was now coursing through my body.

Neither of us were prepared for the Yeti Style hair growth on my body. Ya’ll, I can braid my thigh hair. I’m not saying like a little hair, I’m saying we could do high design braid fashion with the black 3” long hair. I’m plucking chest hair ( these literally appear overnight and are black and long?!?) and my arms look like a gorilla.

I made a consultation to get sugared because there is no way I can keep up with this shaving.  She suggested I split the waxing up into TWO days! Mind you, this isn’t because of the schedule but due to the sheer volume of new hair I am growing would be a lot for one sitting.

Now the hormones. Ya’ll I’m not right. Joe and I had a very heated conversation about the classic Willie Wonka movie. We argued over the fact that I think the movie is Creepy AF and he considers it a cautionary tale about greed. The back and forth that happened was just short of bat shit crazy. I argued there were less terrifying ways to make a point and he argued it was a different time. Obviously, I knew that, but I ended up crying (I rarely cry) upset because why couldn’t he just agree with me that the movie is creepy AF?

Yesterday I started crying because I couldn’t find my air pods and got entirely too irritated that my son drank my last tiny coke. I’m damn near ready to grab a steak knife and dig these pellets out of my own ass. On the plus side, all this should resolve in 3-6 months. Hooray! I feel like I am either crying or apologizing at this point. I will NOT be getting another round!

Disclaimer: Do your own research. I am not a doctor and am sharing my own experience. I’ve heard fabulous stories that these work for a lot of women and horror stories like mine. Let me know your thoughts and if you’ve tried anything else to help manage the symptoms of this menopause bullshit!

Stay Malicious,

Lacie